So I wake up today, like every other day since the 80′s, and discover that my face has turned into ice. My body, safely under layers of blankets and my lovely heated blanket (you can read about that earlier in my blog) was perfectly warm. “O NOES”, I thought, WHAT TERROR IS THIS FOR I CANNOT MOVE MY FACE! I reluctantly peel myself from heaven and shiver my way downstairs to discover that the oil has run out. Now I’m not a broke ass hoe but at the same time the idea of paying some schmuck $300 for 2 months worth of heating oil rubs me the wrong way. I put on boots over my pajamas and forage for firewood like an Indian. Thanks mom for the innate ability to do this, bless you and my ancestors.
BUT ANYWAY, I gather this wood and once again tap into my bloodline database stored somewhere between here and the nether-world, and build THE MOST GLORIOUS FIRE of ALL TIME. Seriously the ghosts of cave men were gathering in my living room to UG and ERGH over how deliciously perfect this fire was.
The moral of this story is –
Fuck you, oil company!
P.S. I will be planting a sapling this spring to relieve my conscience of the weight of tree slaughter. Its only polite.