Hi. I’m sorry it’s been a while since I’ve written. To be honest, I’ve had nothing interesting, entertaining, or informative to write about. In fact, I’ve been doing nothing except stressing out, having anxiety attacks, trying to “rest”, and dealing with a migraine that’s gone on for about three weeks now. I’ve been doing everything I can to make it go away, but tonight it feels 20x worse than normal.
I remember my very first migraine. I remember everything about it. The constant pain, the little sleep, the many medications and doctor visits I had to endure. It lasted four months, I’ll probably never forget it.
Getting migraines ruin everything in my life. I can barely muster up the energy to do anything, and if I do get the energy then I can’t get through the pain. I try to ignore it. I mean, i’ve had migraines since I was 13 but this one feels almost as worse as the very first one I had. I’m so stressed out i’m sure that’s just contributing to everything. I have so much to do this month and no way to do it. So much to pay for and no way to pay for it. I’m so tired of being sick all the time, it seriously takes it’s toll on me.
I feel like i’m in this awkward position where I want to make my life better. Make changes, good changes, and a lot of them. But i’m hindered because I can’t get past being sick. It’s just a really shitty feeling to want to do things and not be able to. To try so hard just to fail.
I guess i’m in a really upset mood. I’m crying while writing this and I’ve been crying most of the night because I can’t sleep due to the pain in my head. I shouldn’t be online but I just had to talk about it somehow. It just makes me so depressed and I don’t like to feel this way. I don’t like to be vulnerable, I don’t like to complain, I don’t like to drag people down with me. But even more than that, I hate to lie and I fake so many things. I fake being happy, I fake being comfortable, I even try to fake myself out telling myself that everything will be okay – but when is it all okay?
God, I’m such a mess.
I don’t know what the point of me writing this is. I don’t want pity, maybe just somebody who understands? I’m feeling a little alone, a little misunderstood. A little overwhelmed, if you wish. I guess I just need somebody to hold my hand and let me cry a little while without judging me or looking down on me, or viewing me as weak.
I try so hard to be strong.
Anyway, I’ve said what I needed to and I’m sure i’ll regret posting this but — thanks for reading if you did.