NOT A MEMBER YET?

Sign up in seconds, it's 100% FREE!

Get instant access to the world's top live camgirls! Sign up for free today!

SIGN UP FOR FREE

Login to the CamWithHer Cams Section

The first and best high end cam site featuring the hottest live camgirls!

Stay Logged In

New Registration / Forgot Password? / Help

Deep in the mind of Kaylee

1

By Kaylee / 6 years ago / In: General ,

Kaylee

Kaylee

So, I am totally ridiculous. No, really. Every time that i’m in bed and I just turn off the TV to go to sleep, that’s when I do my deepest thinking. And it is crazy, because I envision myself sitting here .. writing a blog .. so my thoughts? Yes, in blog format. I figure one of these days I needed to just toughen up and write out my deepest moments floating around in my head. Of course, it always sounds so much better in my head because when I try to put it into words I get a little sidetracked. There’s one person here who picks on me for being wordy, but I just can’t help myself! I think he understands though, and I bet he’s reading this knowing that I appreciate everything he’s done for me. I honestly can’t thank you enough for the support you give me.

Anyway, you know .. I consider myself to be a pretty open book, but actually I feel like I keep a lot of things to myself. It’s hard for me to keep a happy face, but on the internet at least I feel like i don’t have to fake it as much. Which might be kind of pathetic. I just kind of wonder about myself. I’ve been burned in the past, many times, after opening up. I’m a little scared to let people in, because i’m so easy to judge. I come across as the whiniest, sometimes cocky, know-it-all, control freak, pessimist but really i’m just trying to let people in. Unfortunately, when I let people in – you get the whole package. My emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses, everything I can give you. And if that’s whiny, or i’m filled with excuses – I’m sorry, but that’s how I am.

But, I wish I could change. I wish sometimes I wouldn’t have to be so honest, because I’m not sure i’d be friends with me if I was somebody else. Does that make sense? I am exactly the type of person that I roll my eyes out. And you know what, that’s not fair. It’s not that I put myself on a pedestal, or have this extreme eagerness to be right all the time. I really am just trying to help and I go into every situation with the purist intentions in mind. I just don’t really understand myself.

I’m serious when I say I wish I could change. But even more than that, I wish I wasn’t the type of person who just thought about changing, and that I would just do it already. Why do I have the worst motivation ever? I mean, realistically I know that I’m the only one who can make my dreams come true. I’m the one in charge of my happiness, so why don’t I have a better grip on it? I’m afraid, because i’m not sure that I know what true happiness is. I feel so cheesy, but how can I accomplish my dreams when i’m not even sure what my dreams are anymore?

I used to be so confident, not happy but .. at least sure of myself. I had goals, and I would actually work towards them. Now what do I do? I set goals, then find an excuse not to go after it, then let myself talk myself into realizing that it’s out of my grip and how can I possibly accomplish this, until I finally just give up on that goal. I always do what I say i’m going to do, but why does something always happen to get in my way? Why do I let that stop me? Why aren’t I strong enough to just push through the hard stuff and be successful. Finish something for once in my life! Why am I always so worried about money, when I could just make the money I need if I would just put myself out there!

But i’m so insecure .. about everything. I’m insecure about my body, my personality, how I come across to people, who I am, what I want. I’m scared, because I worry i’m not going to get anywhere in life if I don’t know where to go. Isn’t the journey supposed to be the most amazing part of reaching your dreams? Why do I not know what my dreams are anymore? Who am I? I have no idea.

I guess basically, this is an apology, too. I put up a front a lot. It’s not that i’m trying to hide myself, it’s just that i’m scared to let my true colors be shown. I am honest about everything, but I keep things in, too. I wish I wasn’t this way, but I don’t know how to take the first step to changing. I want to be healthier in every way possible. I am sorry if I have said I was going to do something, and I’ve taken a long time to come through with it. I’m sorry if you’ve been waiting on me, and I’ve let you down thus far. I’m sorry if I let things get in the way of getting things done. Even simple things such as making videos and pictures, I worry .. I hate how I look, and if I don’t feel pretty – is that going to show in my content? I do the best I can, but sometimes I don’t feel loved, and sometimes I need to be helped, too. Sometimes I need an extra push to prove to myself and everybody else that I am worth taking a leap of faith on. I just need a push in the right direction, is all.

I’m sorry if i’ve judged you for being exactly like me. It’s not that i dislike you, it’s that i dislike myself. But, i’m trying. Maybe one day i’ll figure out what my dreams are, and have the confidence to go after them. And then, maybe I can finally be happy with myself, and everything around me. After all, I am nothing but appreciative for what I do have.


Like this:
Loading...

  • Hi BABE i hope my dream cams true.I kiss You deeply.