So, I am totally ridiculous. No, really. Every time that i’m in bed and I just turn off the TV to go to sleep, that’s when I do my deepest thinking. And it is crazy, because I envision myself sitting here .. writing a blog .. so my thoughts? Yes, in blog format. I figure one of these days I needed to just toughen up and write out my deepest moments floating around in my head. Of course, it always sounds so much better in my head because when I try to put it into words I get a little sidetracked. There’s one person here who picks on me for being wordy, but I just can’t help myself! I think he understands though, and I bet he’s reading this knowing that I appreciate everything he’s done for me. I honestly can’t thank you enough for the support you give me.
Anyway, you know .. I consider myself to be a pretty open book, but actually I feel like I keep a lot of things to myself. It’s hard for me to keep a happy face, but on the internet at least I feel like i don’t have to fake it as much. Which might be kind of pathetic. I just kind of wonder about myself. I’ve been burned in the past, many times, after opening up. I’m a little scared to let people in, because i’m so easy to judge. I come across as the whiniest, sometimes cocky, know-it-all, control freak, pessimist but really i’m just trying to let people in. Unfortunately, when I let people in – you get the whole package. My emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses, everything I can give you. And if that’s whiny, or i’m filled with excuses – I’m sorry, but that’s how I am.
But, I wish I could change. I wish sometimes I wouldn’t have to be so honest, because I’m not sure i’d be friends with me if I was somebody else. Does that make sense? I am exactly the type of person that I roll my eyes out. And you know what, that’s not fair. It’s not that I put myself on a pedestal, or have this extreme eagerness to be right all the time. I really am just trying to help and I go into every situation with the purist intentions in mind. I just don’t really understand myself.
I’m serious when I say I wish I could change. But even more than that, I wish I wasn’t the type of person who just thought about changing, and that I would just do it already. Why do I have the worst motivation ever? I mean, realistically I know that I’m the only one who can make my dreams come true. I’m the one in charge of my happiness, so why don’t I have a better grip on it? I’m afraid, because i’m not sure that I know what true happiness is. I feel so cheesy, but how can I accomplish my dreams when i’m not even sure what my dreams are anymore?
I used to be so confident, not happy but .. at least sure of myself. I had goals, and I would actually work towards them. Now what do I do? I set goals, then find an excuse not to go after it, then let myself talk myself into realizing that it’s out of my grip and how can I possibly accomplish this, until I finally just give up on that goal. I always do what I say i’m going to do, but why does something always happen to get in my way? Why do I let that stop me? Why aren’t I strong enough to just push through the hard stuff and be successful. Finish something for once in my life! Why am I always so worried about money, when I could just make the money I need if I would just put myself out there!
But i’m so insecure .. about everything. I’m insecure about my body, my personality, how I come across to people, who I am, what I want. I’m scared, because I worry i’m not going to get anywhere in life if I don’t know where to go. Isn’t the journey supposed to be the most amazing part of reaching your dreams? Why do I not know what my dreams are anymore? Who am I? I have no idea.
I guess basically, this is an apology, too. I put up a front a lot. It’s not that i’m trying to hide myself, it’s just that i’m scared to let my true colors be shown. I am honest about everything, but I keep things in, too. I wish I wasn’t this way, but I don’t know how to take the first step to changing. I want to be healthier in every way possible. I am sorry if I have said I was going to do something, and I’ve taken a long time to come through with it. I’m sorry if you’ve been waiting on me, and I’ve let you down thus far. I’m sorry if I let things get in the way of getting things done. Even simple things such as making videos and pictures, I worry .. I hate how I look, and if I don’t feel pretty – is that going to show in my content? I do the best I can, but sometimes I don’t feel loved, and sometimes I need to be helped, too. Sometimes I need an extra push to prove to myself and everybody else that I am worth taking a leap of faith on. I just need a push in the right direction, is all.
I’m sorry if i’ve judged you for being exactly like me. It’s not that i dislike you, it’s that i dislike myself. But, i’m trying. Maybe one day i’ll figure out what my dreams are, and have the confidence to go after them. And then, maybe I can finally be happy with myself, and everything around me. After all, I am nothing but appreciative for what I do have.