I’m mentally and emotionally 49325 times better these days. As long as i’m talking to someone. lol. I get really randomly upset when i go all day without talking to anyone or doing anything. Most people I meet dream about relaxing and just doing nothing… Not I!!Thank god I have this job… Fills in that gap when I have nothing to do or anyone to talk too.
My grandmother passed away on Monday which made it tough to work because I couldn’t focus on anything, but that! When I first found out, I didnt want to see me my mother. I was bothered that people kept telling me what to do, “Go see your mother” “Take some time off work!” I was very upset & crying… kept telling my that I was upset cause no one would leave me alone. I was crying because I was pissed off… not sad.
Than the next day… I became a mess. I guess I was in denial. I kept telling people that I dont know my family… I only see them once every five years!!! If any of them were to pass away, I wouldnt shed a tear. I had soo much anger against my parents for keeping us away from our family for so long and to always spend the holidays just sitting at home watching tv! My parents and I never really got along too great, they’re very old fashioned. They’re parents never gave them love, so they never really knew how to be a loving family. At the time the grew up in portugal, parents saw children as $$$$, the more children you have… the move money you’ll get. They didn’t grow up in the big city, but only in the little farms, where they would be spending they’re most of they’re time working.
My grandmother though was a sweetheart, she had very little money because her husband passed away when she was only 32! I remember visting her and she would be upset at how she couldnt afford to give us the kinds of gifts my father’s side did. She spoiled us with love though, whenever we would leave she would cry for days because she thought that it would be the last time we would be seeing her while she was alive 🙁
Last year, I pertended to my family that I couldnt join them to go to portugal because I wanted the house to myself. My excuse was that my boss, wouldnt give me the time off… I just began working there. They left and I had parties… now its killing me that I didnt go.. I feel as though I ditched my grandmother for a stupid thing! I wish I can just turn back time!
The good thing though is that it brought my family clother together <3