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mild thunderstorm ahead


By Jessica / 9 years ago / In: General ,



When it rains… I get struck by lightning. With that said… let me at least answer my own questions from my last blog and then get on to the storm ahead…

1. Would you die for something you believed in?

I’m not sure. Probably not just because I can be a huge coward at times. However I do think it’s important to speak up at least in any and all situations that don’t seem right to you. In an online forum I was posting on a well known user used the term “towel heads”. I immediately commented that it was not appropriate and then was accused of being too uptight because they are “just words”. “Just words” though they may be but they carry a negative connotation and negative feelings breed hate, and it’s all just from ignorance. Thus I think that when people use these unintelligent terms to describe people we should always nip the ignorance in the bud there by pointing out their mistake and by making them feel like the jackass they are.

2. What immediately came to mind when I asked question number one?

The racial riots and protests that happened at the time that segregation was abolished. I often wonder what would happened to me around this time considering my background and family. Like I certainly look Caucasian but when I would ride the bus with my great grandmother, would I have had to ride in the back? Or while out dining with my family would we have had to sit in a special section of the restraint? And because I can/could have “passed” would I be mocked by other children at school? I’m glad these times are over and gone, but I would like to sometimes show people including myself how horrible it could have been.

3. Have you ever cowered down on something you wish you would have taken a stand for? If so, what was it?

Yes. When I had left scores for a little while and worked for a different club in the area, my boss who owns scores banned all of the girls who left during that time period from ever coming back. So I had to go in and specifically look for him and ask him if I could be an exception. If that wasn’t humiliating enough, my boss can be very prejudiced against men of different races (not the women of course because she would gladly bang them), and he asked me if I had any “big black (without using that word, but I assumed since it was un-pc enough I would use that description in place of the actual term he used) boyfriends that would be coming in and taking down the quality of his club.” I was so freaking shocked that he asked me this as everyone there pretty much knew my racial background except for him I guess, or maybe he just didn’t care. And I laughed it off and said “no”. Later though like maybe a year afterwards I brought it up to him and told him how much it offended me and I told him why, but I think he probably just thought I was being over sensitive or something.

Ok now on to the slight hell I have been experiencing. On Sunday I went out for a drink at a corner bar and first of all totally offended someone and embarrassed the crap out of myself for doing so. No need to elaborate… But I must say I feel like an idiot. Then after I got home from the bar I burnt the crap out of the back of my right arm by trying to cook something in the oven. Now the spot is soooo swollen and irritated I want to just magically fade it from existence.

Then later on in the week I made a spectacle of myself again in front of someone that I would like to think I am a well balanced and respectable young lady, but obviously I keep proving that to be wrong… all while he and his friends are present and while adding new scars to my list. I’m totally mortified at my behavior and This just proves that I should really stop drinking. Also I wasted one hundred dollars between those two days and that is just stupid to waste that amount of money in bars.

I need safe company. I need friends that are girls that don’t ignore my phone calls. I need to stop allowing myself to be in the company of those that just seek to hurt me, or that I seek to hurt myself using them.

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