So it’s 5am right now, and I’m having a hard time falling asleep at a decent hour. That’s nothing new for me, however. I absolutely hate my sleeping schedule. I get about 6 good hours of daylight. And lately I’ve been wasting my time on World of Warcraft, and I absolutely love the game and I love my guild, but at the end of the day, I’ve come to realize that being a level 70 warlock means absolutely nothing in the real world (though I must admit I feel like a bad ass).
And as the story of my life has been going, I’m on a constant roller coaster ride. One minute, I’m fine and everything is going great (or so I tell myself) and then the next minute I’m extremely depressed and stressed about something. Well of course my deceased mother has a good bit to do about this, and I’ll get more into that later (as if 3 blogs about my depression of losing my mother wasn’t enough, right?), but on top of that, I feel like I’m back at square one. I’m back to where I was at the beginning of last summer. Same hole. Same rut. Only now, I’ve got the stress of a lost mother. And though it really it hasn’t much of an effect on me, my dad’s divorce also has me sad. It hurts me to see him go through something like this, especially knowing that him and I are exactly alike. I know that he is hiding his pain, and there’s nothing more that I wish than for him to just be happy.
So what exactly am I most upset about lately that I also happened to be most upset about last summer? School. I am 22 years old know. If I had played my cards right, I’d be graduating school this spring. Yea…like…a month from now. Instead, I’m barely through my first year of college. And sure, that’s not completely uncommon, but I am a very intelligent person, and many people know this, so I feel like I’ve let myself down along with my father and everyone else looking for me to succeed. It’s so embarrassing having to explain to someone that I’m still in college. Actually, I’m not even IN college right now. I managed to screw last semester up (thanks, Mom) and I’ve also managed to come up with very good excuses for that. Granted losing a mother suddenly is a pretty damn good excuse, I should have just sucked it up, and finished that semester. But that is then, and this is now and dwelling on that does nothing but piss me off. Anyway, I sat out this semester also, which has been such a great idea on my part. *rolls eyes*
Well with that said, it’s obvious that I’m upset that I’m not done with college, much less even IN college. I have every intention of going back, but that damn little voice in my head keeps telling me that I’m just going to fail again. And once again, I have no intentions of majoring in what I planned on majoring in last year. I keep reading things saying that I should do what makes me happy. Well you know what has always made me happy and what makes me most happy today? Dogs. My very first semester in college, I went to school for veterinary medicine and learned real quick that it just wasn’t for me. I’d love to be a veterinarian, but um….there are more fun things to do with dogs. So now I’m thinking of going into school for some sort of Animal Behaviorism or something like that. Well the local college here doesn’t offer anything like that. The only school around here that does is the university I attended my first semester. As much as I love the university, being away from home and that city just turns my stomach inside out. But it’s what I love. It’s what I want to do. So I’m thinking of just sucking it up, and moving there and going to school there. My lease for my apartment is up at the same time school will start, so it’s absolutely perfect timing. I think things in my life have led me up to this point. I think I’m ready to do it. Hell, it’s a bigger school and yet tuition is a little less. Like that makes any sense.
So maybe you’re thinking. Nicole…Coley. Coles…Big Boobs MaGee…why the sudden urge to do something right with your life? Well folks, I’m just as skeptical as you, but I think I just need lots of encouragement and I could really do this. But I didn’t answer the question. Well, the past couple weeks have been tormenting me and I have no idea why. I miss my mom like crazy. Every time I think I’ve missed her more than ever before, I’m always knocked off my feet. I have finally truly accepted that she is gone and will never be back (at least I think I have), but I am still angry. Very angry. This time it’s anger for a different reason. I’m angry that I have let myself slip into what I never wanted to be. I’m angry that life has been harder since she left, which makes me mad at her for leaving me. I’m angry that I never got to say goodbye or talk to her. Well, I’m most angry that I have no control. I am just completely helpless, and it bugs the shit out of me.
Well anyway, so here I am watching myself go deeper and deeper into my hole. I don’t even remember the last time I talked on the phone with one of my friends. Ms. Hermit here. I’m getting more and more depressed by the day, and it just hit me. I’m so tired of this. So what did I do? I pulled out my EFL binder and read through all the papers and poems, and stories and blah blah blah. Then I got online and listened to the most depressing songs, and then after that, I listened to the most motivational songs (btw Jewel rocks for motivation) and I was like…ohhhh snap. Get your life together, guh.
My dad keeps telling me to stop waiting for someone to save me. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m waiting for someone to come in and just fix all the wrongs in my life. Well it’s been quite a few months now and no one’s come banging on my door offering to do that, so shit. I guess I have to do it myself. I can do it! Please keep me motivated!! I really need it. I’m so quick to doubt myself. I know that I can succeed, but that WHAT IF is always lingering. I can’t stand to fail, because to me, failure isn’t something you learn from. It’s personal. It means I’m a failure. The hardest thing for me to accept is that mistakes are something you learn from; they are not who you are.
And if this blog wasn’t long enough for you, I’m going to be so generous as to add one of the little do-ma-thingies that I read that helped motivate me. Here it is:
THE COMFORT ZONE
I used to have a comfort zone where I knew I couldn’t fail,
The same four walls and busy work were really more like jail.
I longed, so much, to do the things I’d never done before;
But I stayed inside my “comfort zone” and paced the same old floor.
I said it didn’t matter that I wasn’t doing much.
I said I didn’t care for things like diamonds, cars and such.
I claimed to be so busy with the things inside the zone;
But deeps inside I longed for something special of my own.
I couldn’t let my life go by just watching others win.
I held my breath and stepped outside to let the change begin.
I took a step and with new strength I’d never felt before,
I kissed my “comfort zone” goodbye and closed and locked the door.
If you are in a “comfort zone” afraid to venture out,
Remember that all winners were at one time filled with doubt.
A step or two and words of praise can make your dreams come true.
Greet your future with a smile, success is there for you!
So yes, this is where I am right now. It is now 5:30am and I’m about to head to bed. I would say “hopefully I still feel this way when I wake up” but that’s not at all convincing and powerful. I hope some of you read this! For this moment, I am actually happy!