So in other words, I’m gonna be Mr. Olympia soon. So here’s a little update of Coley’s life.
One would assume that 6 weeks after my mom’s death, that I’d be doing better. In fact, I talk less about her now than I did when she first passed. And I can say that the initial shock is over with. We pulled the plugs, we had the funeral, time has passed and now I have her ashes so everything is cool, right? Not so much. This past week has been the hardest so far. It’s like I want to go up to whoever caused all this and be like, “Alright, well that was all fun and now I truly appreciate my mom for the woman that she was. So……can I have her back?” But if that man were real, he’d tell me, “No.” Straight up. No. So I just want to SCREAM! OK THIS IS FUCKING ENOUGH! I WANT HER BACK! Every little thing is making me cry now. I look at her picture. I cry. I look at her urn. I cry. I hear a song she loved. I cry. I was in the club the other day and my friends were talking and laughing about how they’re going to die early. My eyes started to swell with tears so I walked away and tried to breathe it out. No can do. I had to go to the bathroom and just let it all out. AT A CLUB! Everything is triggering me to cry, and I’m just tired of it! I STILL haven’t had a dream about her, and I’m realizing now why I want it so bad. I have nothing left. I have pictures and oh what fun it is to just look at her. Not. I have memories. Blah. All these things make me cry anyway, so what the hell! I have some home videos that I’m still apprehensive about watching, because I’m scared that hearing her voice is going to make me break down. So if I could just have a dream about it, it would be like she is with me. I would feel that love and happiness that I miss so much. I want my mom back and I’ll take whatever it is I can get that will make it seem like she is with me. I’m just this HUGE control freak and there’s nothing I can do to make this situation any better. And I’m such a closed up person and I hate talking to people about the way I feel, so I’m left talking about my feelings with strangers on the internet. Blogs. Whoopie.
I’ve managed to completely push away my dad. Again. A relationship that I’ve worked so hard on fixing is now broken again because my mom died. He’s tried his best to reach out and talk to me but I dont want to talk to him about this. He’s not the best at consoling and I don’t want to be pissed at him for saying the wrong thing. He came to my apartment the other day and I was a complete bitch to him and told him that I wished I could move and not tell him where I was going just so he’d leave me alone. I know I really hurt his feelings and now I’m hurt because I’m being so fucking prideful and not going apologize to him. I’m digging myself deeper and deeper into the same hole that I was at the beginning of this summer. I don’t want to be there. Not again.
I know I’m really hurting my sister by not helping out with all the crap that needs to be done. I’m being so selfish and only worrying about making things better for me.
I’m stuck here at my apartment every day telling myself that I’m gonna make things better…tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and today turns into another tomorrow. I have no energy nor want to make things better. I mean…I want to, but it seems like such a HUGE effort to get it to be that way. All I want to do right now is do the things that make me happy now.
I was watching Prison Break the other day and I sorta translated a part of the movie to fit my situation. And it really hit me. I don’t follow the show so I have no clue what the guy’s name is, but he was at confession and he was beating around the bush about his sins. The preacher suggested something along the lines of him giving himself to and trusting in God. And the guy asked what if he wasn’t ready to give these things up yet. And the preacher asked if the things he was doing was worth losing his soul in the process. Now what that said to me and made me ask myself is…are the things that I’m doing now that are temporarily making me happy going to make me happy in the long run or am I doing what I need to get by just each day? Talking to a guy that treats me like shit and makes me feel horrible about myself is alright because I don’t have to be alone. I have a friend to talk to when in need and he’s not that bad ALL the time. But his abuse is eating at my soul and tearing me apart making me feel less of a person than I should. I would say I almost believe him.
I also wondered what I would do if neither of my parents were here. How much am I doing to make THEM happy? Well…how much am I doing to make my dad happy. Why am I doing somethings JUST to prove to my parents that I am a daughter that will make them proud. I’m not complaining about what I’m doing. I’m glad that I am doing these things because I feel that it’s what’s going to make me a happy and competent person in the long run. But I wonder, would I give it all up if my dad died? Who would I have to prove it to then? And then I realize…Myself. Am I motivated to do that? Nope. Sure as hell not right now. I can barely motivate myself to get out of bed in the morning.
So it makes me wonder, am I depressed? Is this temporary…will it go away? Or will I be like those people that let it consume their lives? Maybe I’m expecting myself to move on too quickly. But maybe that’s just an excuse to stay in the state I’m in. Everyone loves a little misery and then some people live in that misery. I don’t want to love it but it’s easy. It’s easy to stay home and mope around then to get up and go do shit.
Maybe I need help. ;\ But I couldn’t afford help and I’d love to ask my dad for some but I’ve burnt that bridge for myself.
So I guess I’m saying that even though I smile and joke and I may seem OVER all this, I’m not at all. I’m so far from it. I miss my mom now more than I did the day she died. I’m sick of this feeling and I’m sick of her being gone and I just wish SOMEONE would help me out with whatever it takes to just GET OVER THIS and move on and do all the great things in my life that I want so so bad.