As many of you know, I just celebrated turning the big two-one. This huge milestone in my life marks the start of many things: my alcoholism, my gambling addiction…and…well, that’s pretty much it. And what better way to celebrate my newfound addictions than by going to a…Casino!! Granted, Ive been there several times before my 21st birthday and *ahem* got to gamble (shush, I won’t tell if you won’t), but since Im finally an adult, I did what every lazy American hopes to achieve: win big by doing next to nothing. And so I started with a measly $40 and didn’t work hard and got $350 by the end of the night? Not too shabby, I’d say. So When I told everyone this, the majority of cwh seemed to be somewhat impressed. I guess they arent used to winning in Casinos. So Im going to share my foolproof plan that will have you running around with poker chips wildly instead of security trying to beat you down to get what you owe them. a-like so…
1) Don’t play slots unless you like feeling like a loser. Yes, I know slots are pretty. Oh, colors and noises! YES I KNOW. Trust me, who is more easily distracted than yours truly? There is nothing I like more than seizure-inducing strobe light effects and whizzing noises. I like slots, I do, I really do. But let’s be serious. Slots are all luck and quite frankly, no one I know is lucky except me. and even I’m not lucky enough to beat the Big Brother Casino Coperation. And honestly, slots dont even make that much sense. 3 lines? 5 lines? max bet? Do you even know what those lines mean? And trust me, winning 6 dollars on a penny slot doesnt make you awesome. Because it probably took you 30 minutes to get that. Why not just get a real job at that point? Sure it’s easier to hit a button and sit on your butt, but at least you don’t really LOSE money standing behind a register at McDonald’s asking if they want fries with that.
2) Stay away from tables full of asians. Asians have some innate ability to win when it comes to gambling. Im speaking from EXPERIENCE. Let’s sterotype a little, shall we? Asians are good at…what? Populating the earth with a lot of kids and math. and how are we raised? To be winners in order to bring honor to our ancestors and not shame the family. We’re constantly calculating things, whether we like it or not. I’ve spent many years trying to run and hide from my yellow fate only to get an A++ on a calculus exam I dont remember taking. We’re good with numbers…this includes cards. I’m not saying we’re cheating. We just have some kind of bizzarre knowledge. Or perhaps we count cards subconciously. But to make this short and sweet: if there are more than 2 asians at the table, don’t go. You’ll just look bad when you lose your last $25 worth of chips while Jimmy Cho is raking in that $300 for doubling down on an 11 and getting that 21.
3) If you can’t pronounce it, dont play it. I dont know why people think they can magically learn how to play a game by sitting at a table of a game they have never heard of in their life and hoping for the best. Now is NOT the time for experiementation. That’s what the internet is for. Play all those weird games like pai gow and maj jong ONLINE. And typically, if the English rules are followed by rules in 3 different asian languages, you might want to stay away (see number 2) Play where you cant lose money, just self esteem.
4) If all else fails, DRINK UP BUDDY. Casinos don’t want you to win. And they’re grimy enough to anything to make sure your money becomes their money. Bright lights, loud noises, annoying dealers etc etc. But the most devious ploy of all? Allowing players at the table to have upwards of 6 free drinks of their choice. How ingenious is that? Casinos have probably the best fully stocked bar I can think of. Any drink? That covers everything from coronas with lime to Tom Collins to Lattes to Jacks and Cokes to Mojitos. If they have your drink, you know you’re going to take it. And the drunker you get, the better the chances the casino will have your money. So Why not give in. If you know you’re a loser and Casinos arent your thing, ignore rule 1 and sit your ass down in front of a penny slot machine, order up 6 captain and diets, throw 5 bucks in the machine and have at it. I figure if you play 1 line at a time for one cent and play at a rate of 100 lines a minute and drink 3 drink in ten minutes, you’ll be too shit faced to do the math. Then you can go home and tell everyone you got ripped out of your mind any only lost 5 bucks. Raging alcoholism always wins over losses.