Well – as most of you know, my mom died October 6th from a brain aneurysm. Things happened so fast. I never got to tell her goodbye, I never got to tell her how much I loved her and admired her. Within an hour of her first getting a really bad headache, she was unconscious and that was it.
She told my step dad that she was scared and when I find that out, it hurt me so much inside. My mom was scared she would die. To know that she thought it could possibly be her last day on earth saddens me sooooo sooo much. I can’t imagine there is anything worse than a daughter having to lose her mother. I’m only 21, she was only 50. Now I’m left wondering what my life will be like from here on out. All my plans and dreams are now missing an important person. I won’t have someone to plan my wedding with. I won’t have my mom in the delivery room the day I have my first baby. I won’t have my mom to call and ask what is wrong with my baby when she catches a cold. No one to go get my nails done with. No one to do all those cute mother/daughter things. I’m sad. I miss her so much.
It’s not fair. Everyone keeps saying that this has happened for a reason, but am I really supposed to feel some sort of consolation from that? What’s the damn reason then? I’m pretty sure my life would have been pretty fucking dandy had she not died also. I don’t give a shit if this will make me stronger. Is this to say that everyone who has been blessed with a mom who makes it to the old age of 80 is not as strong as I am? I just don’t care to hear this. I miss my mom. I want my mom. I NEED her.
But I’ll be fine. I’ll make it through. I don’t really have a choice. I could decide to grieve over this for the rest of my life and let it take over me, but that’d just be stupid. No one cares about the person who can’t get over something like this and help themself. If I want to get anywhere in life, I’ve got to be strong and just get shit done. So yea…in essence I have a choice….if I want to be a 50 year old hag living in a run down trailor selling drugs…sure. Sounds like a great choice. But I never wanted that and my mom dying hasn’t changed that.
I’m scared. I’m scared that this is going to make my relationships even more fucked up than they already are. I don’t want to depend on anyone to make my happy, but I’m scared that I’m going to go down that path. Mom would have never wanted to see me do that. I don’t even think mom even expected me to be that way. She thought so highly of me. She was amazed at my intelligence. I don’t want to be a fuck up. But I’m scared I will. I no longer have my mom to encourage me….to tell me that I’m not.
I know that maybe I feel this way because her death is still new. Maybe I’ll rise above all this and see the better side of things, but I kinda don’t want to. I’ll feel guilty for not needing her or wanting her. Blah…I don’t know. Sorry if this is kinda deep but it’s not often I let this side of me out. Plus…it’s not often your mom dies…heh. So…deal with it.
But yea….I miss you momma. I love my lil drama queen.